Hold your tush It's Valentine's Day!
by Invalid Irken
Summary: Probably the first non-romantic Valentine's day story ever. Beware the flaming Butt arrows! A story about brains, brawn, and a crazy assumption about love.


2/7/2005

**Hold your butt, It's valentines' day!**

2:59, One minute left to go. Zim was writing like there was no tomorrow. His pencil danced over the paper like it had a mind of its own. Small beads of Irken sweat began falling from his forehead. He couldn't figure out the answer to the question on his test.

"What is the capital of New Jersey?"

Zim had never heard of a New Jersey before, and Miss Bitters' long speeches always sent him into a state of daydreamy-ness. He chewed the eraser of his pencil. He didn't know what a capital was either. Zim's eyes stared at the clock. Twenty seconds left until the test was due. Zim brainstormed and came up with an answer.

"The capital of New Jersey is… a tuna fish sandwich."

The bell rang, and Miss Bitters yelled at everyone to bring their papers up. Zim triumphantly walked up to her desk and smirked at Dib, who had just put his paper on the pile. Dib took a quick peek at Zim's answers and laughed, making the little alien feel nervous. He placed the paper down easily on the teacher's desk and ran out the door.

Dib walked up to Zim, grinning evilly. Zim gave him a sour frown and began walking towards the door, but Dib stopped him.

"You know… tomorrow's February 14, Valentines day. And you know what that means." Dib's face could barely hold his devilish smile. "I'll be sure to save you an extra meaty piece of meat, and I'll be sure to cover it with _tons _of barbecue sauce."

Dib started to laugh and walked outside. Zim snarled and shook his fist. He hated Dib and he hated meat, and if Dib gave him meat that would be even worse. If only there was a way to protect his body from the meaty juices and smelly barbecue sauce. Zim pondered the idea of creating of meat-proof suit, but before he could think up anything sound, some mean older child pushed him down the stairs.

Zim grunted as he fell down the stairs, and when he got up he grunted some more. The children began to laugh at him and point. Zim ignored their taunting and walked to his base. The idea of a meat-proof suit popped back into his head, and he began to think of the materials he would need.

Up the steps and through the door, and Zim was back in his lime-green base. GIR was watching TV, the Roboparents were doing some distorted form of disco, and Skoodge was screaming and trying to stop the Roboparents from breaking everything. Zim started to scream as well, followed by GIR, who had no idea what was going on.

Zim leaped past the Roboparets and head into the kitchen. A quick press of the big red button above the trashcan, and the dancing robotic menaces were put to rest. Skoodge flopped onto the couch and stared at the television blankly. GIR turned his head; he just noticed that his master was home.

"WAFFLES! I GOT DEM WAFFLES!" The little robot danced around Zim, who tried to get to the couch to talk to Skoodge. Zim ducked and pushed, but the little robot would not stop his happy dancing.

"Da master's home!" Gir laughed

Zim kicked GIR, who laughed at the pain, if he felt any at all. He got up and began running around and knocking things over. Skoodge moaned but Zim stopped him from getting up. The look on Zim's face explained it all. He was extremely pissed.

"Whoah, Zim, what's wrong?" Skoodge chirped.

"Tomorrow. It is the worst day in all the days of the human calendar. It is Valentine's Day tomorrow."

"Valentine? What's that? Is some kind of food?" Skoodge's brain was always stuck on food.

"No. It' about love and goo and… love," Zim's words trailed out of his mouth as he searched for a better description in his head.

"I do not like goo," Skoodge remarked.

"Ergh… how to explain to an Irken… hmm… Well Skoodge, humans have this feeling thing in their guts. It's called love. It makes them attracted to each other and makes them give each other heart-shaped meat. Love also makes them reproduce. I'm not sure how though. I think they have to drink each other's blood to reproduce or something."

Zim's explanation intrigued Skoodge. He bit his lip in wonder. The little Irken's mind began to fill with questions. Being the curious Invader that he was, Skoodge couldn't help but ask Zim all of his questions, almost all at once. Zim cringed at the speed of his partner's voice, and answered everything with a simple quote.

"I have no idea."

"Voolentine?" GIR became interested too. Zim grumbled and explained it to the little robot. At the mention of love, GIR's eyes lit up. He started to laugh with delight. Zim and Skoodge looked at each other for a second in awe and stared at the little android stuck in a giggle fit. GIR rolled around the floor, laughing even harder than before.

"Voolentine! I knows that!" GIR finally calmed down.

"You do?" Zim questioned his evil robot sidekick.

"Yah, yah. It's got that naked man in the sky! He shoots you in da butt wit his flamin' butt arrows and yoos falls in love!" GIR danced around whilst laughing some more.

"Wow! Where'd you learn that?" Skoodge asked.

"TEEBEE!"

"Zim, isn't that cool? A little naked human flies around and shoots flaming arrows of love at other human's _butts_! Man, I learn something new everyday!"

Skoodge began to ramble on about the coolness of the information, but Zim was not as pleased. His lips trembled as if he was going to cry, but instead he let out a faint whisper that no one but his own self was able to hear.

"Dib…"

Zim suddenly realized the danger of the magic love arrows. His eyes widened and he let out a scream.

"Oh my tallest!" Zim griped his head in terror, "I can't go out tomorrow! I'll have to stay inside all day, unless he can come indoors too! I'll have to buff-up the security!"

Zim's Rambling's mystified Skoodge, and he couldn't help but ask what he was going on about.

"You don't understand! If I go outside tomorrow, I'll get hit with a love-butt arrow!"

"So?"

"I MIGHT FALL IN LOVE WITH DIB!"

Zim let out a sound of disgust. He turned around and started making puking sounds. Skoodge ran to his friend's side and patted him on the back. Zim suddenly snarled and angrily pushed Skoodge away. He ran to the door, and then to the toilet, the entrance to his underground lair. Skoodge followed him sadly. It hurt him a little to see one of his only friends in such anger.

"I can see it now… Dib, and me, UGH! No, NO! I will not let it happen!"

Zim stood up straight and clenched his fists. He growled with Irken pride. Skoodge smiled. GIR rolled over to both of them, laughing and singing. Zim stared at his allies with an evil grin. He was ready for anything.

"Uh… Zim? I just had an idea. Dib can't fall in love with you if he's been destroyed, right? So, why not destroy Dib before Skool starts, when he's asleep or something. Then you wouldn't have to worry about falling in love with him, _and _you could destroy the human race!"

Zim grinned at Skoodge. He lifted his hands up as if all of his prayers had been answered.

"SKOODGE! YOU'RE A GENIUS! " Zim hugged his buddy tightly and jumped into the toilet. He flushed himself down the drain. Skoodge was happy for his comrade, but the sudden hug left him speechless. He shrugged it off like everything else and jumped into the toilet. He attempted to flush himself as well, but his round body got stuck in the toilet. The Irken called to GIR for help, but the little robot just stood there and laughed at a picture of a cow he had just drawn. Skoodge began to laugh as well, not wanting to miss out on the unknown joke that lay before him, in the form of a badly drawn quadruped.

Something was happening in the lab; Skoodge could hear it. Tomorrow there would be a huge battle to decide the fate of the Irken's life. On one side was Zim and Skoodge, and an arsenal of Irken technology, that would be fighting against everything Valentine's day was about. On the other side was a fat little naked man with flaming butt arrows that would try to get Zim to fall under the spell of love. The ground would shake underneath the two contestants.

Saint Valentine would definitely _not_ be happy about this.


End file.
